Wednesday, May 18, 2016

On the Edge

I have had a funny feeling lately that I am constantly on an edge. It doesn't matter what part of my life I think about, an edge is there.

Emotionally, I have been teetering between futility, anger, dejection, and loathing just barely holding on to the fa├žade that I need to present to the world to function. Physically, my knees are playing up and my back has decided to spasm. If those go over the edge, I am pretty limited in what I am capable of. Mentally, I can't seem to do anything right at the moment, with the pressure of constantly feeling like a failure, or just not quite good enough at anything, mounting as each example of my ineptitude is tallied.

I know this is not a good place to be in any of the above respects. I can also understand why an outsider might not see things the way I do. But they don't have to live in my head or my life. And recently, I have not found many people who actually can understand how to empathise. Feeling isolated is making it all worse.

Every thing I do at the moment is a struggle. I have to convince myself to do things that should just happen. I have to convince myself not to do things that I know make it worse. (I am far less successful at this one. Damn my destructive behaviour patterns.) My self-worth and self-confidence have taken a massive beating and are clinging to life on tenuous threads. (Not that they have ever been excessively healthy to begin with!) And the sad thing is, I know a lot of it is in my head. Yes, there are external circumstances that are playing into the negatives that I am struggling with at the moment. Life is hard. I have chosen a specifically difficult path for myself. But being trapped in this loop is making every little thing amplified and harder to deal with, and I am slowly losing my grasp on the things that keep me me.

I am well aware that there is little anyone else can do to help - aside from handing me a massive wad of cash, a perfect career opportunity, a community to fit into and feel connected to, and a magic wand to take away all of the internal scars I battle constantly. (Somehow, none of those seems likely... so I am not holding out hope.) It has been a long time since I have felt that there is really something wonderful in my life... and a part of me no longer believes there can or will be again. But at the moment, it is still a part... which means there is still a part that hopes. A part of me that dreams of better times and bigger things. No matter what my past has shown me so far. So if you need me, I will be clinging to the edge of that hope too.

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