Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Angry Tears

Why does my automatic response when I get angry or upset have to be tears?

I have been involved in a couple of encounters lately that have made my blood boil. People have managed to get me riled up. And though I have managed to keep my cool during the encounters for the most part, as soon as the door closes behind me in my own space, I break down. And not just with soft, sweet tears. I mean, sobbing.

So, whilst I am thankful that I have managed not to break down in front of the offending parties (because that would invariably make me seen as the "hysterical woman" who can be dismissed entirely), my tears tend to fuel my anger... and then the anger fuels my tears... and so we continue ad infinitum. (Or at least until I manage to breathe enough to slow the process down a little and my mind is able to step away from the situation. Even I can't cry forever.)

And why do I have to react that way? That is what really annoys me. I have googled - and found nothing that really explains it. I have had sharp words with myself about not letting it happen again in future - but that hasn't worked. Time after time, I get so emotionally caught up in the anger that I shake with pent up emotion and then cry.

I don't mind crying when I am upset about something or when it is socially acceptable to cry, my issue is not with the crying itself. It is just that crying when angry undermines my position and makes it easier for my whole point of view to be pushed aside and disregarded. It hardly seems like an advantageous thing for my body to do. (That is one of the theories on why we cry... do your own googling and see.)

Gah. Sometimes the whole thing just makes me so angry I could.... cry.

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