More often than not, these days, I catch myself wondering when I am going to be found out. When is someone going to realise that I am not a proper grown up and don't really have a clue how to achieve the things that I am theoretically already "supposed" to have or have done? How has my lack of certainty not been obvious to everyone that comes in contact with me? Where is this life I am supposed to have managed to create for myself?
I know that I am not the only one to feel like a bit of a fraud, wandering through life waiting for someone to point and start laughing. It isn't even like I have a great job/relationship/house/etc. to feel fraudulent about, either. The above response is one that I expect to get for just being me. Or rather, for not even being good enough at just being me.
We all make choices, and I don't regret mine when it comes down to it. But I do have a deep rooted fear of being a failure... which is also what I firmly believe I am in many respects. Contradictory as that may seem. Every time I take a step away from my life to look at it, all I can see are the failures... the things I have not managed to achieve. And as each year goes by, it gets harder and harder to justify to myself that those failures are not as absolute as they seem.
When you are younger, it is easier to tell yourself that it is ok you haven't found that job/relationship/income/home yet, because you have plenty of time to do all of that. "It will come," people say. And though I am hardly on death's door, I have reached an age that it is getting harder and harder to convince myself of that. What if it never does come? What if I have blindly missed my chances somehow or am simply never meant to have any of those things? What if, deep down, I really have just failed at this thing called life? At what point do you have to reconcile yourself to never having these things?