Friday, May 08, 2015

Apples anyone?

I am sitting here drinking chamomile tea out of a mug with the Evil Queen from Snow White on it and feeling very much the way that I assume she felt when looking at Snow White in the mirror. She must have felt that her whole world was about to fall to pieces around her... and that none of it was in her control. She was going to lose her home, her job, the respect and love of the people around her... ok, I don't feel the murderous rage towards another person that she obviously felt, and I would like to think that I have a little more compassion and ability to see the big picture, but I identify with the feeling of failure that she must have felt at that moment. To have been chasing a dream (silly though it may seem to us, it was her dream to be the fairest of them all) and have it crumble away from you despite everything that you try to do to stop it... well... I identify. I have been chasing dreams and trying desperately to hold on to something that was always just out of reach for so long now that I don't know if I am solidly unwavering in my convictions, stubborn, or just plain deluded. And I can't help thinking that at least she had her dream for a little while.

Ok, I know, I may be giving the Evil Queen too much credit. Maybe she was simply a vain, egotistical, megalomaniac. (I am pretty sure that no matter what my issues may be, most of that is not applicable to me!) But I can't help but feeling a little bit of a connection to someone that had her world fall apart around her despite her best efforts to hold it all together. Perhaps I am simply looking to find my problems in someone else's experience and hers is the closest to me. (Literally. The mug is right beside me as I type.)

I just can't help but feel that I am somehow the reason that my life isn't working out. That I am the spanner in my own works. And objectively, in a lot of ways, I am. It is the choices I have made that have made my life what it is. I won't blame anyone else for that.  If only there was a pause... or a rewind... on life. Sometimes I just feel that I need a bit of time to be able to get things under control before the world starts spinning again.

So to anyone also feeling a little like the villain in their own movie... I hear ya. Maybe there was something to the sleeping spell apple after all...

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