Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Contradictions

For some time now - practically all of my life - I have struggled with a number of deeply held contradictions. I feel that I could be good enough to achieve my dreams but not good enough to believe in myself to a point that I can shout it to the world or actually realise them. I believe that I deserve love, but I don't believe that anyone could love me. I feel that I can be attractive but never pretty or beautiful. There are a lot of things that fight it out in my head.

These are all extremely harmful beliefs to hold as closely as I do, and my self-image and self-worth have taken a beating because of it. But part of me is happy that the contradictions are there. At least part of me believes in myself and that is something that I wouldn't change for the world. It means there is hope.

I don't expect to change overnight. I don't even expect to know that I am changing. But I do believe that it is possible. As long as I still have those conflicting beliefs, part of me will not give up trying to make the rest of me believe it.

Of course, I have my days that I can't hear that tiny voice at all. It gets completely drowned out in the plethora of negative voices that generally rule my internal monologue. But I am working on that. I learned long ago that one thing I could do was keep going. So that is what I will do.

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